Sir Kirito
by erenatnier
Summary: After clearing Sword Art Online, Kirito wakes up in Remnant. It's not what you'd expect. Abridged!Kirito. Part of the Great Outrealms Continuity. Reincarnation on!
1. Chapter 1

Episode 1: Ruby Rose I

«Sir Kirito»

"And who the hell are you?" Roman Torchwick said as he aimed Melodic Cudgel at a man with a black coat. The newcomer held out a black longsword diagonally in front of him while he stood in front of Red.

He made Roman wary. Edgy's loose but tense stance spoke of years in the battlefield, unlike the stance of the relatively green huntress that stood behind him.

"Detective Kirito of Vale PD," Kirito said in his best Batman impression. "I'm on the hunt for a notorious thief who uses mascara, wears a really stupid hat, and smokes cigars like they're going out of style."

Roman fumed. How dare he mock him! He was Vale's Most Stylish criminal for god's sake!

The girl behind him swooned. She looked like an idiot.

Kirito smirked. "You wouldn't happen to be him, would you?"

Roman knew it was a rhetorical question.

"Well, it's been fun Red," Roman said. "But I really don't want to be captured by Edgy here."

Roman pulled the trigger. Melodic Cudgel roared as it launched a blindingly bright flare that would serve as a distraction to aid his escape.

Edgy and Red were engulfed by the explosion, and Roman rushed for the ladder on a nearby building. Cinder was waiting in his getaway Bullhead and he didn't want to keep a lady waiting. Well, a lady that could incinerate him with a thought, but that was besides the point.

=

Ruby Rose swooned as Kirito introduced himself. He was a detective! Like one of the really cool ones from her favorite comics!

"You wouldn't happen to be him, would you?" said Kirito.

Ruby pumped her fist up. She'd ask for Kirito's autograph after this. Then she'd bake him cookies and bust some criminals with him.

 _Oooohhhhh!_

 _Ruby and Kirito saves the day as the evil villain Grimmzilla invades Vale with his army of troglodytes!_

"Well, it's been fun Red," Roman said. "But I really don't want to be captured by Edgy here."

Roman pulled the trigger.

"Oh for fuck's sake! Look out!"

 _"Good job, Ruby!" Kirito said as he patted her head. "Let's have some more of those cookies."_

 _"Ohhhh, you're the best, Kirito!" Ruby wrapped her arms around him and snuggled into his chest. The gentle warmth that he exuded seemed to be almost too real._

It was too real.

Ruby flushed red as Kirito dropped her on the floor like she was cooked grenade.

"Quit staring at me, it's creepy!" Kirito said.

 _Ruby dot exe has crashed. Rebooting..._

He turned to the shopkeeper and said, "You haven't pulled a muscle, old man?"

He didn't wait for him to answer and instead, turned to Ruby. "Get up, Red. We have a criminal to apprehend! _In the name of the law_!"

"Oh god, I didn't just say that..." Kirito muttered and sheathed the black longsword on his back.

"Ruby Rose," Ruby said. "My name is Ruby Rose. Not Red!"

"Red," Kirito said. "A quantum supercomputer calculating for thousands of years could not even approach the number of fucks that I do not give."

Uh, what?

"He's escaping," Ruby said.

"Great observation, Red," Kirito said.

He dashed up the building, leaving a trail of dust behind.

 _Whoa! He was almost as fast as her with her semblance!_

"Ruby, not Red!" Ruby said. "Wait for me, Detective Kirito!"

She pulled the trigger of Crescent Rose and let the recoil push her up the building.

There standing on the edge of the roof was Roman Torchwick. He held onto his cane tightly.

"Oh no! It's a dead end! Whatever will you do now, Torchwick?" Kirito said as he unsheathed his black long sword again.

Now that she was a little bit more in control of her actions, she could see that the sword had a weird guard shaped like a half-circle. And it didn't have an apparent gun attachment.

It was black like his entire costume too. Black coat, black shirt, black pants, and black boots. The only items not black that were on him were the second long sword that was green inside the second sheathe on his back and the red sheathe with a white sword pinned behind his waist, just under the two black sheathes.

Roman smirked and aimed his cane. "This."

His unoccupied arm snaked out and tossed a red dust crystal at them.

Roman fired.

The world turned red in a haze of smoke and fire as the dust crystal exploded.

"Oh wow, Roman," Kirito said as a purple barrier blossomed in front of them and took the blast head on. "Are you sure that dust wasn't expired or something? 'Cause you know, we're still alive and breathing."

Roman didn't hear him as when the smoke cleared, he was already in a Bullhead.

"That was because of me, Professor Kirito," a blond huntress with a wand said. She stood behind them with her wand raised and a serious expression on her face.

 _Wait, what? Professor Kirito?_

"Whatever, Glynds," Kirito said. "I still think that it was expired."

"Professor Goodwitch." Professor Goodwitch gaze turned into one that resembled a winter night.

"Whoa, sensing a lot of hostility here," Kirito said. "Why don't we calm down and focus all of that aggression on the criminal, that's, you know, currently escaping from right under our noses?"

"I concur, Professor Kirito," Professor Goodwitch said and hurled rubble at the Bullhead using her semblance.

Ruby aimed Crescent Rose at the Bullhead and opened fire.

"I'll just stand here," Kirito said. "Since I can't fly or levitate objects with a riding crop."

"It's a wand, Professor Kirito," Professor Goodwitch said as she hurled a spear fashioned from rubble at the Bullhead.

Kirito grinned. "Sure, Glynds."

Fire burst out of the Bullhead and incinerated the rubble.

It was too far away for any of them to pursue now.

Professor Goodwitch sighed.

Ruby collapsed Crescent Rose into its compact form, placed it under her cloak and said, "Your huntsmen! Ooooooh, can I have your autograph?"

=

"If it were up to me," Professor Goodwitch said. "You would be sent home with a pat on the back."

Ruby smiled. She can't wait to tell Dad and Yang about this!

 _"That's my little Rubaby!" Yang hooked her arms around Ruby's neck. "A hero."_

Professor Goodwitch paced in front of her and Kirito was leaning on the wall behind her. Ruby was sat on the desk facing both.

"And a slap on the wrist!" Professor Goodwitch slammed her wand on the table.

Ruby flinched, the fantasy evaporating into thin air.

"Oh come on, Glynds," Kirito said. "Where did you learn that bad-cop-good-cop routine? From Saturday morning cartoons?"

Hey! Those were great!

"Professor Goodwitch."

Professor Goodwitch stared, unamused, at Kirito.

"Kirito."

He smirked, clearly enjoying it.

Professor Goodwitch turned around and her flat stare turned soft.

"Anyway, there is someone here that would like to meet you," she said.

The door opened. The man who came in had gray hair and a green suit.

Ruby caught the aroma of freshly brewed coffee in his mug as he sat down on the only chair in front of her.

He placed a plate of cookies on the table. "Ruby Rose... You have silver eyes."

"You know, you totally sound like a pedophile, Oz," said Kirito.

"Professor Kirito!" Professor Goodwitch said.

Ozpin ignored the quip. "Where did you learn how to do this?"

He gestured to his scroll where a footage of her beating up goons was displayed.

"Signal Academy."

Ruby ate all the cookies in one go. Kirito went wide-eyed.

"What the hell? Is that your semblance?" Kirito said.

"Sort of," Ruby said.

"And they taught you how to use one of the most dangerous weapons in existence?" Ozpin said. "I know of only one scythe wielder of that skill before-"

"A senile, old, drunk," Kirito said.

"Hey that's my Uncle! Anyway, I was complete garbage before he took me under his wing," Ruby said, waving her arms around. "but now I'm-" She finished with exaggerated noises.

"Do you know who we are?" Ozpin said.

"You're Professor Ozpin, Headmaster of Beacon Academy," Ruby said. "She's Professor Goodwitch, the Deputy Headmistress."

"And I don't know him." Ruby finished. Ruby saw the tiniest of smiles on both Professor Ozpin and Professor Goodwitch's lips.

"Red, I am shocked and appalled that Qrow hasn't mentioned his best drinking buddy to you before," Kirito said.

This was her Uncle Qrow's best drinking buddy? But he looked so young! And didn't Yang say that drinking was only for old men in their 40s or something?

"Professor Kirito here is the new combat teacher at Beacon Academy," Professor Goodwitch said.

Kirito nodded and closed his eyes.

"You want to go to my school?" Ozpin said after he sipped his coffee.

"More than anything in the world," Ruby said, a smile blooming on her face.

 _Oh my god! This was her chance to go with Yang to Beacon!_

"Let her in, Oz," Kirito said. "She did attempt mass homicide in the name of justice, after all."

He snickered.

"Well alright," Ozpin said and downed all his coffee in one go.

=

Ruby Rose collapsed on her back as the crabby girl and the not-so crabby girl left. Her first day at Beacon and she was already making friends.

"Welcome to Beacon..." Ruby said.

"Oh wow, Red," a familiar voice from behind her quipped. "First day at Beacon and you already exploded ?"

She couldn't place the voice, but she knew of only two people in the world who called her Red.

"Oh, don't mind me," Professor Kirito, black coat and three swords and all, spoke and held out a hand for her to grab. "Just passing through."

Ruby smiled and took his hand. Maybe her first day won't be so bad after all.

"I mean, what would it look like if a professor of this fine academy would just leave a student who exploded only a few moments ago?" Professor Kirito said with a smirk.

"Eh, Professor Kirito?" Ruby said. She had a feeling she was being teased, but she wasn't sure. It seemed to be a talent of his.

"Kirito is fine, Red," he said and waved his hands in front of him. "I'm not like Glynda who has a stick up her ass."

"Uh, I don't know where the others went," Ruby said. It was lucky of her to run into a teacher she already met before.

"You don't say?" Kirito said. "You've only been following me for like five minutes so far."

"Buuuut," he continued. "Since I'm going to the main hall, you can come with me."

"Gee, thanks so much," Ruby said. Was she that much of a burden?

"I have this thing," she said and revealed Crescent Rose with a flourish.

"Sweet, merciful, Buddha!" Kirito jumped back a few meters away. "Is that a fucking sniper-scythe?"

"Yeah," Ruby said. "This is Crescent Rose. She's my baby."

"What do you have?" She continued.

Kirito had three swords sheathed on his back, and she had only seen the black one in action before. She didn't even know their names! What sort of friend would she be if she didn't even know her friends' weapons?

He unsheathed two and twirled them a little. In his right hand, was the sword that he used at the night of the robbery. It was a pitch black sword with a grey trim. It had a black hilt connected to a circular hand guard that sloped down on one side. A small cross was engraved on the flat of the blade, just beneath the tip.

"This is Elucidator." Kirito held the black blade, named Elucidator, up for her to see.

"Ooooohhhh, cool," Ruby said.

In his left hand was an aquamarine blade. Its grip was darker than the rest of the blade and is completely straight. It lead up to a crossguard that was perpendicular to the grip and the crossguard looked like a pair of conjoined daggers. At the center of the guard, a large aquamarine gem was embedded.

"And this is Dark Repulser." Kirito sheathed both blades.

"Wait what about the other sword?" Ruby said.

Kirito gave her a smile that reminded her of Taiyang's whenever he thought of Summer. It was one of those that hid just how broken he really was.

"It's name is Lambent Light." Kirito walked ahead of her, black cloak fluttering in the wind.

"And I don't really reveal it unless I need it's strength," Kirito said. "Sorry, Red, but you need to be as strong as Ozpin or Qrow to see it. Maybe even stronger."

«Sir Kirito»

Trivia #1 : The inspiration for this story came from SWE's SAO Abridged series.

Trivia #2: This story's Kirito is a hybrid between Canon!Kirito and SWEAbridged!Kirito.

Trivia #3: This story will only get frequent updates in the summer.

Trivia#4: This story is my way of getting over writer's block. So don't expect great writing.

Edited 6/26/17 for minor bugs.

Adios!

Edited on June 3, 2019. Reincarnation go!


	2. Chapter 2

Episode 2: Yang Xiao Long I

«Sir Kirito»

"I ran into Kirito again after you left me this morning, Yang," Ruby said. She was writing a letter to her friends at Signal. "He lead me to the main hall after you ditched me."

"Drunkle Qrow's best drinking buddy?" Yang said. "The new combat professor?"

She looked around the room looking for this Kirito, but all she saw were guys who were grappling with each other to catch her attention. Geez, she wasn't into guys who liked wrestling with each other so much. A blond guy who wore a blue onesie walked in front of them, and Yang stared a few moments in morbid fascination, before she turned back to Ruby.

"I don't understand, Yang," Ruby whispered. "Usually I feel really awkward when talking to guys, much less a teacher."

"And?" Yang said.

"For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him," Ruby said. "Like we knew each other for years."

"My dear sister Ruby Rose. Do you mean to tell me, that _you_ _have a crush_?" Yang said.

Ruby flushed cutely.

"Whaaaaat?! Of course not, Yang!" Ruby said, arms flailing around.

"Surely, you don't have a crush on your teacher, Rubes," Yang said. "So tell me, what's he like?"

"He's about your height, wears a black coat over a black shirt, has messy black hair that covers one of his eyes, and has three swords," Ruby said. "The black one's called Elucidator, the aqua marine blade is Dark Repulser, and the last one's a rapier judging from its guard. Its name is Lambent Light."

Wow, Ruby seemed to really have the hots for this Kirito, judging from the way she remembered everything she learned about him. Yang let Ruby chatter on, and peered around the room. She needed to see if Kirito was here, and if he was... Well she needed to know what he was like for herself.

 _There!_

Yang spotted Kirito sitting beside Professor Goodwitch under a window. Yang almost missed them due to the way the shadows concealed their forms. The teasing smile on Kirito's lips and Professor Goodwitch's flat stare all but confirmed that they were really colleagues. And that Kirito either had balls of steel or a lack of self-preservation to banter with the most terrifying professor in Beacon.

Yang thought that it was the former. He looked like he couldn't be older than 18 and yet he was already skilled enough to be the combat instructor of the best combat academy.

"And then I ran over this crabby girl's luggage!" Ruby said as Yang took notice of a white haired girl storm over to Ruby.

"YOU!"

"Eep," Ruby said as she scurried behind Yang. "It's happening again!"

"Do you have any idea what kind of damage you caused!?" The white girl said as she balled her hands into a fist and shook them close to Ruby's face.

 _And do you have any idea what damage I will do to you if you continue to talk to my sister like this?_

"I'm sorry," Ruby said.

Yang spied Kirito approach with a bucket of popcorn held in his hands, no doubt drawn to the yelling girl. Professor Goodwitch shook her head and muttered something that Yang couldn't really hear from so far away.

"We were lucky that we weren't expelled due to that crater you caused!" The girl said.

Kirito stood a few meters behind her, and slowed down his pace.

"Look," Yang said, grinning. "I'm sure that you just got off the wrong foot."

"Why don't you try being friends?" Yang continued.

"Great idea, Yang." Ruby held out her hand for a handshake. "Hello! My name's Ruby! Let's be friends!"

"Great, we can go shopping, paint our nails, and talk about cute boys like tall, blonde, and scraggly over there." The girl gestured to a blonde in an onesie. "And tall, dark, and edgy." She said while pointing at Kirito that now stood directly behind her, enjoying his popcorn.

She heaved a mighty sigh and spun around to face him.

"Do you have nothing better to do than to ruin my day?" She said.

Kirito was locked in a silent scream as his bucket of popcorn was removed from his arms by the girl's flailing arms.

Yang's grin reached her eyes.

The world seemed to slow down as the bucket of popcorn crashed head-first on the floor, its contents spilled over.

Kirito knelt on the tiled floor, and placed his hands almost reverently over the spilled popcorn.

"My popcorn," Kirito whispered, head bowed. "It was innocent."

"Kirito!" Ruby said as she hooked her arms under his and pulled him up.

The white haired girl froze. Darkness seemed to coalesce on his face, leaving only his manic eyes visible.

"You alright, Professor Kirito?" Yang said.

This was going to be quite the show.

"Weiss Schnee..." Kirito said. "Do you have any idea what I had to do to acquire the ultra-rare corn that I used to make that bucket of popcorn?"

"I apo-"

"It only grows once every century in the hottest desert of Vacuo!" Kirito said. "In an oasis teeming with hordes of Grimm!"

Ruby and Yang gasped. No wonder he was mad. The poor white-haired girl paled.

"It took Winter, Qrow, and I to even reach the corn!" Kirito threw his arms up in the air. "And believe me when I say that those two are the most childish of adults when they are together! "

The girl became even paler than her hair.

"I had to split the corn between them. Qrow used it to brew the rarest drink in all of Remnant, and I didn't even take a single sip," Kirito said and looked Weiss right in the eyes.

Ah, Yang realized. That must be when Qrow came home with a bucket of corn and sealed himself in his room for days muttering something about a drink of the century.

"I know what your punishment shall be, Weiss," Kirito said.

Was it detention every day?

Yang thought that was a bit cruel for a bucket of popcorn though.

"Every single day after classes, I will train you," Kirito said.

Weiss' color returned. She opened her mouth in shock.

"Pardon?" Weiss said.

Yang would have said it herself. Just how was that punishment? If anything, it was a favor.

"I will train you to be even better than Winter," Kirito whispered and fingered the rapier sheathed behind his waist. "And she of all people should know how sharp my blade is."

"You have my sincerest apologies, Professor Kirito." Weiss bowed. "But with all due respect, how exactly is this a punishment?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Kirito smiled. Yang thought that smile was terrifying and from the way Ruby buried her head into Yang's back, she did too.

Weiss seemed oblivious to the threat hidden in that smile as she left with a subtle skip to her steps.

Kirito turned to face them. "You alright, Red?"

"Yeah," Ruby said with a cute smile. "Thanks, Kirito!"

 _Kirito? My, you certainly move fast._

"Hi, Prof!" Yang said with a grin. "The name's Yang. Ruby's older sister."

"Hmmm..." Kirito hummed even as his eyes took in her form. "You look nothing alike."

Yang knew that she was much more developed than Ruby. Her hair and eyes were also of a different color. But she doubted Prof was looking at her hair or eyes right now.

"We're half-sisters," Yang said. "So... Prof, I heard that you helped Ruby this morning."

She leaned in, breasts swaying close to his face.

"I think that deserves a reward," Yang said.

He raised an eyebrow. "I've seen better."

He'd seen better!? Was that an attempt to hide his interest? A challenge? Or did he already have a girl? Or did he like flat girls so that was why he offered to train Weiss? Or did he like Ruby? Or was she not pretty enough?

Yang leaned back, stunned.

"Anyways, Red," Kirito said. "I think I broke your sister."

He smirked. "Do fix her will you?"

His cloak billowed as he turned around and strode back to Professor Goodwitch.

Ruby suck out her tongue at Yang.

 _Oooh! Making fun of your sister, eh?_

"Hey, Rubes." Yang smirked. "Aren't you jealous that Kirito and Weiss are getting sweaty every day? All alone-"

"Yang!"

«Sir Kirito»

Trivia #1: I was originally going to upload A Glimpse In The Past I: Kirigaya Kazuto as the second chapter but, I thought that would bog the story down.

Trivia #2: The first lesson in writing that I embraced was to always assume that your readers are smarter than you so you don't need to coddle them with exposition but rather, bombard them with thoughts and dialogue.

Trivia #3: Kirito does have a legitimate reason for not calling Dark Repulsor A Piece of Shit. It was actually subtle foreshadowing.

Trivia #4: I have a habit of cutting out unnecessary details and dialogue. So word count will be short. But there's more between the lines, if you will. Sometimes, less is more.

I know that you're pretty busy people so I won't force you to review. But since dcalu2001 has mentioned Trivia #3 in a review...

«Sir Kirito»

Omake idea from dcalu2001

«Sir Kirito»

"And this one is called The Piece of Shit dot dot dot Dragon Shit!" Kirito said.

He brandished the blade with his left hand.

"Oh my god! Is it really made of dragon poo?" Ruby said."Dragons are real?"

Kirito grinned and began a tale of whimsy and adventure.

"Of course, Red." He gestured at the sky, "Once upon a time, there was a castle in the sky. It was named Aincrad."

Ruby grinned. _Story time!_

"There in the castle, lived a blacksmith by the name of Lizbeth," Kirito said.

A female blacksmith? She must have been like Ruby then: a girl who made the best weapons.

"And one day, a visitor came into her shop," Kirito said. "He was not an ordinary visitor, Red."

"He was a knight in shining armor?! Came to sweep Lizbeth off her feet?!" Ruby said.

"Gods no, Red," Kirito said. "He was in fact, garbed in the darkest cloak, and although he was quite fetching."

He waggled his eyebrows.

"He was not interested in romance," He said. "For you see, he was interested in one thing, and one thing only."

Ruby leaned in, enraptured by her teacher's captivating prose.

"He desired the strongest sword in Aincrad," Kirito said. "And so they set off on a quest to retrieve it."

"And the two fell in love after the visitor saved her?" Ruby said.

"What the hell, Red." Kirito threw his hands up in the air. "I already told you that he was not interested in romance."

"Sorry..."

"Anyways," Kirito coughed. "They came upon the lair of the legendary guardian of the greatest sword."

Oooooh!

"It was a might dragon! His roar struck fear into the heart of the blacksmith!" Kirito said. "But the black swordsman was not fazed."

Ruby closed her eyes. She could imagine a dragon, roaring at the blacksmith and the cloaked visitor, as the visitor stood in front of her. He was ready to give his life to protect hers.

"The man slew the beast!" Kirito slashed the air. "And looted his treasure room for the rarest ingredient in forging the greatest sword!"

"And?!"

Kirito chuckled. "It turned out that the material was actually dragon shit and Lizbeth screamed in disgust."

"Kirito, my lad!" A stout man dressed in a burgundy suit said. "That was quite the tale!"

He grinned. "How would you like to hear another one, eh?"

"Oh, I would love to Professor!" Ruby said.

"Hey, Peter." Kirito walked away. "I'll go ahead, alright?"

"Of course, my lad!" Peter said and turned to her. "Now, I shall tell you a tale about a handsome young man, a sterling Adonis known only as... Peter."

Ruby didn't know why, but she was feeling a strong desire to murder Kirito. The man blabbered on, committing mass genocide of air.

"And so there I was, stuck in the Grimmlands, with only a toothpick as my weapon!"

 _Kill me..._

«Sir Kirito»

Poor Ruby...

Anyways, let me clarify. The only thing that Abridged!Kirito is taking from Canon!Kirito in this story is the name Dark Repulser. Everything else will be, including his characterization, from the abridged series.

See ya!

Edited on June 3, 2019. What is up with this date...


	3. Chapter 3

Episode 3: Weiss Schnee I

«Sir Kirito»

"Greetings, Weiss," Winter said. "How are you doing? Have you been eating enough? Have you made any friends?"

"Winter..." Did her sister have to ask about her eating habits of all things?

"I apologize, but you are my only sister," Winter said. "And I worry about you."

"I have made an acquaintance," Weiss said. "Well, sort of."

"Tell me about her, Weiss," Winter said.

"Him, actually," Weiss said.

"What?!" Winter said. "Ahem, I mean tell me about him."

"I believe you should know him," Weiss said. "Since he has mentioned that you went on a mission together with someone named Qrow."

"Kirito?"

Her sister knew him which meant that they actually went on a stupid excursion for corn.

"Are you alright?" Winter was suddenly worried. "He didn't do anything drastic, did he?"

"He did no such thing," Weiss said, smiling. "He only gave me the privilege of attending mandatory training sessions with him."

"Really? And what did you do to earn such _privilege_?" Winter said, with a subtle emphasis on the word privilege.

"I made the mistake of knocking over his popcorn," Weiss said. "But I did apologize, so I believe that the training sessions will not be the punishment that he says they are."

"Ignorance really is bliss," Winter whispered. "Be wary of Kirito, Weiss."

"He is the type of man to use a town as bait," Winter continued. "His blade is sharp, and his mind is even sharper."

"Surely you jest, Winter," Weiss said. "He wouldn't harm his students."

"What do you mean his students!?" Winter said. She looked constipated.

"I have heard that Professor Kirito is the new combat instructor here in Beacon," Weiss said.

"The world is ending," Winter whispered. "I... need a drink."

"Goodbye, Winter," Weiss said.

Weiss pretended to not hear the last part. Really, Winter could be so dramatic sometimes. Surely, Headmaster Ozpin was responsible enough to have picked a suitable candidate for the position of combat instructor.

Right?

«Sir Kirito»

"Maggots!" Professor Kirito said. "Welcome to Combat Class, aka your worst nightmare."

A few students laughed, thinking it was a joke. Weiss did not join them.

Schnees did not laugh, they giggled.

This man, according to Winter, was the kind of man who would use a town as bait without remorse.

Surely she was exaggerating? Surely the headmaster was responsible enough to not assign a sociopath to be their combat instructor?

"Well since I believe that the foundation of a good relationship is getting to know each other," Professor Kirito said.

"I'll allow you three questions."

Lie Ren raised his hand.

"You look rather young, Professor Kirito."

"Ah, an interesting question phrased as a statement," Professor Kirito said."I am young though."

"I'm only 18."

Professor Kirito was only 18? Then he must be superbly skilled indeed to become a combat professor at Beacon when most huntsmen would only be at their second year of schooling. Weiss could not wait to be trained by this man, could not wait to become as strong as he.

"Are you single?" Yang said. Did she have no shame?

"Yang!" Ruby said. Weiss thought that she was oddly flushed.

"Maybe," Professor Kirito said with a smirk.

There was a lull in the class after that. Murmurs arose in the crowd regarding his apparent availability. Weiss thought that it was inappropriate that they were pining after their teacher.

"How do we know that you're the real deal?" A man in silver armor with orange hair said as a challenge.

"That's what I was waiting for!" Professor Kirito said. "And since this is a combat class..."

Weiss knew where this was headed.

"Congratulations! You and your team have just drawn the grand prize!" Professor Kirito said, grinning. "A one way ticket to the infirmary!"

"Get your team geared up, Winchester!" Professor Kirito continued. "And meet me in the arena in say, five minutes."

It was lucky that Weiss' team was not nominated. She knew the appeal of sparring with an experienced huntsman, but it was clearly a weighted fight that they were expected to lose. And Schnees did not lose. At least not in public or if they could avoid it.

"Hey guys," Yang said. "I bet Prof will mop the floor with them."

"Of course," Weiss said. "There is no doubt there. The only thing uncertain is how long they will last."

It was a question whose answer depended on their fighting styles.

"Lighten up, Weiss-cream," Yang said. "Why dont'cha enjoy the eye-candy like Rubes here."

"St-Stop that, Yang!" Ruby said.

What? Did her partner fancy the man? How inappropriate!

"They're here," Blake said, idly reading a book.

"This match will last, blah, blah, blah," Professor Kirito said. "Well, I'm sure you've read the students' handbook regarding tournament style matches, so I don't need to explain, right?"

Professor Kirito stood in a relaxed stance while his opponents, CRDL, stood in rigid stances, weapons drawn.

Was this the difference between real huntsmen and mere trainees?

"You sure you don't want to apologize for insinuating that I am on your level?" Professor Kirito said.

Silence.

"Fine." Professor Kirito held his black and aquamarine longswords in a loose stance.

The timer counted down to zero, and steel clashed with steel.

Professor Kirito held the offensive in an instant.

He was fast, and his two blades danced in a flurry of silver and black as Winchester was barely able to bring his mace up to block. Still, it was not enough and every heavy blow from Professor Kirito's blades chipped Winchester's aura until it hit the yellow.

It only took Professor Kirito three seconds to whittle down a student's aura to the yellow.

Was this the strength of every teacher at Beacon?

How were they supposed to catch up?

"What are you waiting for!" Winchester gasped as his scroll emitted a loud beep. His aura was in the red and he was out of the match. It was only three seconds, and one of them was already knocked out.

The remaining three snapped out of their surprise and yelled out a war cry. They rushed Professor Kirito.

"Oops, I may have overdone it a little."

A little?! It was practically overkill!

Every single strike that the three students launched were countered with meticulous, precise maneuvers. It was almost as if Professor Kirito knew exactly where they would strike before they even did.

Was it his semblance? The ability to predict the future? Or was it raw skill and experience that allowed him this feat?

Whatever it was, Weiss thought, it only cemented his image as the combat instructor of Beacon Academy, age inconsequential. After this display, she doubted that anyone else would dare challenge his position.

"And after an electrifying 10-second knockout, the match goes to the CEO of the Kirito Is Always Right Foundation himself, Kirito!" Professor Kirito said.

The class went wild as he sheathed his blades and walked out the arena.

CEO of the Kirito Is Always Right Foundation?

As far as Weiss knew, no such foundation existed.

Were all veteran huntsmen and huntresses this dramatic or was it only Winter and Professor Kirito?

Still, the man did defeat an entire team on his own without taking any damage to his aura.

In only ten seconds, no less.

Weiss was going to be trained by a genius. Ha! Take that, Winter!

«Sir Kirito»

It was only an hour into the bastard's training session when Weiss considered an impromptu lobotomy by Myrtenaster.

The bastard made her run up and down the winding stairs that led from Beacon to the Emerald Forest.

Perhaps she could back out?

No!

She was a Schnee, and Schnees did not give up.

And so it was with those thoughts that Weiss came up the stairs for the tenth time in that hour, sweating like a pig and panting like an overworked servant. On the top of the stairs, was the devil himself. He was sitting on the uppermost steps and he was smirking like he saw the face of God.

"Well, well. It seems that you have returned triumphant against the oh so scary stairs, Froslass," the bastard said with that damned smirk of his.

"You." Weiss panted, hands on her knees.

"Sadistic." She whipped her head to a nearby bush and a gush of vomit erupted from her mouth.

"Bastard." She imagined his flesh burning away as he screamed in pain. She could hear herself cackling in the background.

"Why thank you, Frosslass," The sadist said. "I feel so loved."

Weiss had no words. She would have to thank her sister for the warning.

"You wanna know why I had you do battle against the stairs?" Professor Kirito said.

His hand came up, and a bottle of water flew at her.

"Oomph!"

It smashed into her face. Weiss fell, expression locked in a fascinating combination of exhaustion and fury, and tumbled down the stairs.

"Kirito!"

"Damn, didn't know that tumbleweeds could yell so loud," Professor Kirito said. "And she dropped the Professor on that one."

«Sir Kirito»

"So why did I have to do that?" Weiss said.

They were sitting on the uppermost steps of the stairs. Well, Professor Kirito was sitting. She was slumped on the steps.

"Because, Frosslass," Professor Kirito said. "You clearly skipped leg day."

"What?!" Weiss brandished Myrtenaster and took a stance.

She didn't care if the bastard was her teacher! She would make him pay!

"Whoah, Frosslass." The bastard held his hands up in surrender. "I did it because the way you are now, all your opponent needs to do to defeat you is dodge all your lunges and call it a day!"

Oh. So he actually did have a valid reason.

"And the water bottle?"

He smirked. "That was part of the punishment."

"Gee, thanks for being so honest." Weiss placed Myrtenaster away.

"Anyways, Frosslass," Professor Kirito said. "I think you deserve a reward."

Oh wow! What was it now?! Waterlogging!? Maybe a _romantic_ stroll through Forever Fall and the Emerald Forest?!

"Whenever you visit the cafeteria, ask for a teacher's coffee," hee said."But remember, keep it a secret."

A teacher's coffee? Perhaps it was a heavily caffeinated brew that they didn't want to give to superpowered teenagers with highly destructive weapons.

Oh gods. Ruby with a teacher's coffee. Nora with a teacher's coffee.

"I will keep it a secret," Weiss said. "On my honor as a Schnee."

She turned around. Professor Kirito was no longer there.

Strange, how did he disappear just like that?

«Sir Kirito»

"Welcome back Weiss-cream!" Yang said as Weiss opened the door to their room.

"Shut up, Yang," Weiss said. "I'm too tired to listen to your puns right now."

Weiss' dress was ruffled and torn as if an animal had his way with her.

Yang's eyebrow rose and she felt Ruby and Blake stir from their slumber.

Weiss' body was flushed red as it glistened with sweat as if she had just performed a strenuous activity.

Yang grinned.

And Weiss was limping.

"Hey, Weiss," Yang said. "Did your training session with Professor Kirito involve lots of angry sex or something?"

"What?!" Weiss said.

Yang loved the way Weiss squirmed. It was sweet payback for that time that Weiss had been a bitch to Ruby.

"What!?" This time, the outburst wasn't from Weiss. It was from Ruby.

"Oh boy..." Yang said.

«Sir Kirito»

Trivia #1: I'll be uploading an episode of A Glimpse In The Past as the next chapter. It is a series of short background chapters that examine how exactly Kirito became what he is right now.

Well, that happened.

«Sir Kirito»

Omake

«Sir Kirito»

"Welcome to the 57th annual Hunger Games!" Ozpin said.

It was amazing how a man could say something so strange with a perfect deadpan.

The blonde teacher with the riding crop on his right coughed, looking embarrassed. "Headmaster..."

"Um, ahem." The headmaster shuffled something concealed by his hands. "My throbbing, wrinkled weiner is a fan-based parody?"

The young professor on his left snickered. The crowd of students stifled a laugh as Professor Goodwitch glared at them.

"Ah damn it, who wrote this all over my cards..."

His complaint was spoken so soft that Blake only caught it with her cat ears. Her lips curled up. It was interesting to see the headmaster embarrass himself.

Headmaster Ozpin cleared his throat.

"And so, Ozpin, the greatest huntsman that the world has ever seen," Headmaster Ozpin said. "Fell to his knees, and asked the lovely Glynda Goodwitch's hand in marriage."

The cloaked professor on his left broke into a fit of silent laughter that only Blake heard. The blonde professor turned red.

Blake reckoned that it was from anger.

"Whohooo! Way to go headmaster!"

"When's the wedding?"

"That's so romantic!"

"Bart, I believe I have won our wager!"

Similar cheers broke out of the crowd, the previous remarks forgotten.

"Faced with the the threat of a fate worse than death," Professor Ozpin continued. "Ozpin, the greatest hunstman on Remnant, wisely retreats into his tower."

"But the legacy of Ozpin lives on."

He leapt off the platform and ran out of the auditorium.

"OZPIN!"

The lovely Glynda Goodwitch followed, riding crop raised in the air.

"Ah, umm, upps..."

«Sir Kirito»

Kirito is a godly prankster...

Peace!

Edited on June 3, 2019. Peace!


	4. Chapter 4

«Sir Kirito»

A Glimpse Into The Past I

«Sir Kirito»

Kirito shut his eyes as his surroundings exploded into a rainbow of colors.

It was fucking bright. Honestly, did Kayaba even know how to design a game?

After a few seconds? Minutes? He opened his eyes.

"Huh." Kirito looked around to see a snowy forest. And lots of trees. He was surrounded by them.

He dragged his index finger down in the air, expecting the menu to appear.

 _"I can't open the menu," Asuna said._

Nothing happened. Kirito smiled. Perhaps he would see her again, after all.

"Is this heaven?" Kirito said and looked at the skies. "Did I do the right thing?"

He was ready to join them, and the heavens parted, light pouring through.

Rabid growls and howls and roars echoed from the treeline.

Damn it. Beasts that look like they came from a bad manga? This is definitely the other place.

Turning around, he faced the beasts of black and drew Elucidator and Dark Repulsor.

 _Strange. I thought Dark Repulser was destroyed when I fought Kayaba. Well, lucky cop out for me._

"Well come on then," Kirito grinned. He shifted his legs and lunged at the beasts, swords a flurry of light and dark, his form a flash of black tinged with red.

«Sir Kirito»

"God dammit." Kirito parried another slash from a black wolf, ducked under an overhead strike from a black bear, and promptly bisected both in half.

"Do you run your own cute, little cloning center in this forest or something!?" Kirito said as he dodged the fangs of two snakes. "'Cause I'm beginning to think that there's an endless supply of you!"

He stabbed the white snake in the eye, and used its head as a springboard to kill a large black bird. He plummeted and pierced through the head of the black snake.

He landed in a crouch in front of a wolf and he decapitated it with Elucidator.

He sighed. There were literally hundreds of them and he was beginning to feel drained after an hour of non-stop fighting.

 _"Go on. Cry your little... bitch tears." Asuna said as she collapsed into his arms._

 _Asuna... You don't have to wait any longer._

 _I'm coming..._

Kirito closed his eyes and collapsed into the snow.

A figure in white with a sword fastened to her hip approached him. Beckoning him.

 _Asuna..._

Kirito smiled.

«Sir Kirito»

Winter Schnee frowned as the man in black collapsed into the snow, surrounded by Grimm. It was unfortunate, but it seemed that this man was right in the middle of her objective.

"Open the door, lieutenant," Winter said.

"Copy that, Specialist Schnee," The pilot said.

Winter leapt out the door and into a free fall. Snow whipped her face and she squinted to see.

An Ursa Major raised its paws to smash the cloaked man.

A white glyph shimmered into existence and she angled her blade, Frostbite. Winter was sure that she would tear through the Ursa Major and land directly in front of him.

Her aim was true. Frostbite sheared through the Ursa Major's descending arm and its torso, and she landed in a crouch, blade held in firm stance.

"Asuna? No..." The man laying in snow said. "Goddamn it, I can't believe that this isn't heaven!"

A Beowolf lunged at her, claws poised to give her stomach a new hole.

"This isn't heaven." Winter ducked under the claws and bisected it in half. "But, I could use a little bit of assistance!"

She deflected a barrage of deadly feathers from a Nevermore flying above the clearing. A white glyph summoned another Nevermore, and duelled with its counterpart in the skies.

"Oh sure," the man said. "Help the microcephalic addlepate who literally just leapt into certain death?"

"Oh I'm not dieing here." Winter beheaded another Beowolf. "But if I do, it's going to be your fault, got it?"

Winter swore that she heard the sound of shattering glass.

«Sir Kirito»

 _Your fault..._

 _Your fault._

 _YOUR FAULT!_

Kirito gripped his blades and stood up.

"Damn it..." he said.

"So, Snowflake." Kirito turned around and severed the claws of a lunging wolf and stabbed it in the eye. "What's the plan?"

He stepped back, and disemboweled another black boar that spun towards him.

Her boots crunched in the snow as she stepped back.

"Standard procedure is to eliminate this horde before reporting back to HQ."

Kirito swerved and sheared through a gigantic black bird.

"Snowflake, does this standard procedure of yours involve a retreat?!" Kirito decapitated another black bear. "'Cause I honestly don't think that we can take those elephants!"

He stepped back and stabbed a wolf in the neck.

"Goliaths?!" Her boots crunched in the snow again as she stepped back. "This can't be happening..."

«Sir Kirito»

Winter looked up, and true to his words, a dozen Goliaths flanked by another horde of Grimm waded through the trees. It looked like the darkness was casting out the light.

They would have to retreat.

But if they did, Atlas would be destroyed by the Grimm.

"We can't retreat!" Winter bisected another Beowolf. "If we do, the Grimm will overrun the capital!"

"Then go ahead," He said, "I'll hold the line, Snowflake."

That was noble of him.

"My name is Winter Schnee," she said. "I promise you, I shall return."

She rushed off into the treeline. The last thing she saw was his form eclipsed by the Grimm before a blinding light engulfed the clearing.

«Sir Kirito»

He was surrounded by these creatures called Grimm.

 _"I'm sorry..." Yui said, "I'm... such a burden..."_

He was exhausted, outnumbered, and by the numbers of those elephants called Goliaths, outgunned.

 _"Kirito," Sachi said, "This is... not... your fault. Your fault. Your fault. YOUR FAULT."_

He placed Dark Repulser in its sheathe and drew Lambent Light.

 _"Go on," Asuna said, "Cry... your... little... bitch... tears..."_

As if heeding an unseen signal, the Grimm rushed him all at the same time.

"You know something?" Kirito dashed to the right and brutalized three Grimm in a single spin.

"I really, really hate watching my friends die." Kirito dodged the claws of a black bird and stabbed it in the neck.

"But..." Kirito parried a strike from a giant black bear and cut it in half.

"I won't mope around and do nothing." Kirito laughed.

"They didn't die just for me to mope around!"

Mad laughter filled the clearing.

The Grimm stilled.

"They died because of me... so I could live to see another day," Kirito said, a crazed grin on his face. "And today is not the day that I'll let their sacrifice go to waste!"

"So have at thee!"

A black meteor smashed into the horde of Grimm, and a blinding light consumed the clearing.

«Sir Kirito»

"That man..."

"Did you hear..."

"He's strong..."

"Did you know..."

"He slaughtered them..."

Winter Schnee heard similar whispers along the military section of Atlas Academy as she strode in with the cloaked man, who introduced himself as Kirito.

The man vanquished the Grimm.

Alone.

Uninjured.

"Mr. Kirito, do you understand who exactly you will meet?" Winter said.

Her white boots made a light, stomping sound, whenever she took a step on the tiled floor.

"Uh..." Kirito said. "General Iron... Iron..."

Winter stared at the man, expecting him to at least remember a name.

"Irondick?"

The crass title echoed through the busy hall, prompting several soldiers to laugh. The riotous laughter grated at her nerves.

Winter glared at them. They stopped laughing.

Winter took a deep breath and exhaled.

Schnees did not sigh.

The man who saved Atlas deserved some patience at the very least.

"General Ironwood, Mr. Kirito," Winter said.

He smirked.

"Well, Snowflake, you must understand my confusion," Kirito said. "They're practically the same thing."

"Look at that..."

"He called Specialist Schnee..."

"Snowflake..."

"He's got Iron Balls..."

"Better than Irondick..."

The soldiers emitted another round of snickers.

Winter took another deep breath and exhaled.

Schnees did not lose their composure.

"They are not Mr. Kirito," Winter said. "There is a distinction between wood and..."

She fell for his trap.

His smirk widened to epic proportions.

"And?" Kirito said. "Say it, Snowflake."

She sighed.

"I said," Winter said. "That there is a distinction between Ironwood and... and..."

"Ironphallus."

Silence permeated the hall, like they couldn't believe what they just heard.

"Hahahahahaha!" The soldiers dropped their rifles and the clang of steel against stone echoed along with boisterous laughter in the hall.

"Hey look, you're growing a sense of humor, Snowflake," Kirito said. "Keep it up and you might even be funnier than me."

"Gruh!" Frostbite was drawn with a furious flourish. The ringing of steel in the warm air silenced the laughter.

Winter levelled the sabre against Kirito's jugular.

Her glare was worthy of her name.

The man winked.

"Ohhhh, so you're gonna penetrate me with your firm, long, and sharp sword, eh?" Kirito said. "I thought that was my job."

He leaned in, dangerously close to her face and doing so, pressed the sword into to his neck. A single twitch of her hand could spill his blood.

He looked her in eyes and grinned.

"Kinky."

Winter removed Frostbite from his neck and snapped it back to her hip. There was no point.

She strutted ahead of him and made it clear that there would be no more conversation.

The soldiers didn't laugh out loud, but Winter was sure that they were laughing in their minds. She would make sure to triple their drills this month.

For discipline, of course.

Not for revenge.

Schnees did not care for petty things like revenge.

"So, Snowflake," The infuriating man behind her said. "Did General Ironphallus mention what he wanted me for?"

General Ironwood did not, but she wouldn't answer a man who disrespected the general in such a way.

She stopped at the steel door embossed with gold cursive. It read: General Ironwood.

"Ah, so this is his office," Kirito said. "I was expecting a torture chamber and whatnot, but eh, this will do."

Winter didn't hear him. Or at least, didn't acknowledge his remark.

The observation camera above the door swerved and stared at them.

"Salutations! Specialist Schnee and unidentified guest! General Ironwood permits you entry into his office!"

Kirito stared at the camera. An expression of bewilderment was on his face.

Winter felt the edges of her lips curl up into a smirk. It was the first time she saw Kirito befuddled by something.

"What do you mean unidentified guest?!" Kirito said, "I'm the CEO of the Kirito Is Always Right Foundation, for god's sake! How could you people not have heard of me?!"

This immature and infuriating man? A CEO?

Ha, the man was delusional.

Kirito huffed and smirked as the door slid open.

«Sir Kirito»

"Specialist Schnee. Mister Kirito." General Ironwood inclined his head. He was sat on a wooden desk with a scroll in front of him.

The scroll was playing footage that displayed Kirito sprinting up a Goliath and wringing out its eye. He looked impressive.

Winter raised her right hand in a stiff salute.

"At ease, Specialist," Ironwood said.

Winter lowered her hand and took the moment to look at Kirito. He was nonchalant, and his posture was relaxed even in Ironwood's commanding presence.

"Firstly, I would like to extend the gratitude of Atlas to you, Mister Kirito," Ironwood said.

Kirito waved his hands in a shooing motion.

"Kirito, please," Kirito said.

Ironwood raised an eyebrow.

"Forgive me if I cannot be so casual with a powerful unknown," Ironwood said. "An unknown who appears to have no records in any Kingdom."

Kirito smiled and looked at Winter.

"What I'm about to tell you will shake the world of those..." Kirito said. "That are not so open-minded."

"Tell me General, do you believe in fairy tales?"

It was a brief second.

A brief second when Ironwood lost his composure and revealed his shock.

A second later, he was back to his usual indifference.

"You are dismissed, Specialist Schnee," Ironwood said.

Winter was a soldier and therefore, obeyed her commanding officer no matter the situation.

Her hand came up in a final salute and she turned around to walk out of the door.

As she did, a single question blazed in her mind.

What was it about fairy tales that made Ironwood lose his composure?

It seems that a trip to the library was in order.

«Sir Kirito»

"Talk, Mr. _Kirito_." He deactivated the cameras in his office with his scroll.

Ozpin made it quite clear that the uninitiated and the ignorant should not find out about the truth in the fairy tales. James was sure that Ozpin would be interested in whatever James' current guest had to say. It was either that this _Kirito_ was a spy in the inner circle or a man who saw one of the Maidens or the Silver-Eyed Warriors.

If it was the former, then Kirito would not be coming out of Atlas Academy alive.

"Do you believe in alternate realities?" Kirito said.

Alternate realities? James had read about them. As such, he was familiar with the phrase.

"I'm assuming from the look on your face that you do," Kirito said. "Then let me tell you right now, that they exist."

"And what proof do you have of this claim?" James said.

Either this man was insane or telling the truth. And James' wasn't sure what he preferred.

"I am living proof," Kirito said. "I come from a reality where the Grimm do not exist."

A reality where Grimm didn't exist? It didn't explain how the man became so powerful.

"If what you say is true, then how did you become so skilled?" James tapped his scroll and footage of The Slaughter was displayed over the table.

Grimm rushed Kirito from every direction. He parried, dodged, and countered with a longsword and a rapier in such a way that he was untouched.

Uninjured.

Unharmed.

The Sword Saint.

That was what the higher-ups in the Atlesian military dubbed Kirito. No doubt the council, when word of Kirito's existence reaches them, would dub him something edgy like the The Black Swordsman.

Capable of wielding two swords with deadly precision and reading the enemy's movements five steps ahead.

The Sword Saint.

A man so skilled that he glides through legions of Grimm untouched.

The Sword Saint.

It was propaganda meant to bolster morale, James knew. No human was invincible or perfect.

"Well, in my reality, without the threat of Grimm, humans have fluorished and populated the entire planet," Kirito said.

"As such, humans were able to create horrors such as reality TV, tentacle porn, Candy Crush, Two Girls One Cup, and many many more," Kirito continued.

"Get to the point," James said. He didn't even want to know what half of those were!

"Fortunately, we were able to create better things," Kirito said. "Or else I would have exterminated the species a long time ago."

James' eyes hardened. Exterminating a species over such a petty reason was intolerable.

"Lighten up, Douglas! I'm just kidding," Kirito said. "In my reality, an asshole by the name of Kayaba Akihiko was able to create, get this-"

Kirito paused. James supposed that it was for dramatic effect.

"Another reality." Kirito smiled.

A mere man created another reality? Inconceivable.

Unless...

"Are you implying that Remnant is the reality that this Kayaba Akihiko created?" James said.

The idea that they were puppets being strung along in a twisted script...

"Oh god, no!" Kirito laughed. "Kayaba Akihiko actually created Aincrad, the world where I became, as you say, skilled."

"Aincrad was a shitty world filled with bland dungeons and stupid monsters, and it had an even crappier purpose," Kirito said. "You see, it was the stage for the death game: Sword Art Online."

"By 'death game', what exactly do you mean?" James said.

"A genius by the name of Kayaba Akihiko got the bright idea of transporting ten thousand people into Aincrad, disguising Sword Art Online as a mere game," Kirito said.

Kirito took a deep breath.

"Ten thousand civilians who just wanted to have a fucking good time were trapped in a game against their fucking will-"

Gone was the lighthearted man from before.

"And if you die in the game, you die for real," Kirito said. "I'm not even gonna joke about that. So, there."

"And what purpose did this Akihiko have for doing this?" James said. "Surely, such a deception must have a higher purpose."

Kirito burst out laughing.

Interesting... His emotions are too real... Too real to be simply making up this story... And I don't believe that a clinically insane man could have won against an Alpha horde.

"That's what bugs me the most," Kirito said. "The man's weird, like really really weird."

"Kayaba himself stated that the only way to return from Aincrad to the real world is to ascend to the hundredth floor and beat its boss," Kirito said. "Its 'guardian' in a sense."

"Every floor has a 'guardian' that you must defeat before being able to ascend to the next floor," Kirito continued. "And each floor has more powerful monsters and a different 'guardian'."

"Get to the point, Mr. Kirito," James said.

"Kayaba helped us clear the game," Kirito said. "Which is completely stupid. I mean if you just wanted to kill off people in a death game, wouldn't helping those very same people be antithetical to your objective?"

James could read between the lines. There were a hundred floors and each subsequent floor boasted stronger foes. It explained how Kirito became so skilled even without the threat of the Grimm.

It also explained the man's preferred style of combat. Parries, counters, and dodges: A style engineered to risk your life as little as possible.

"Perhaps he was trapped himself," James said. "And the 'death' part of Sword Art Online wasn't intentional?"

"Perhaps." Kirito's smile turned brittle. "But that's in the past."

James trusted his gut. And his gut was telling him that this was a golden opportunity against the Queen. He just needed the right leverage.

"And how exactly did you find yourself here, in Remnant?" James said.

"That's the other thing that's bugging me," Kirito said "I don't know... All I know is that after the final boss was defeated in two years, I woke up surrounded by those Grimm. And then Snowflake came, and the rest is history."

 _Snowflake?_

Winter _was_ a viable person for what James had in mind...

"General Ironwood sir, analysis of the Sword Saint's swords reveals that they are made of a nigh unbreakable metal. Metal that doesn't match any alloy or mineral that we have in the registry. RD, out," a shrill voice in his earpiece whispered.

Everything about his story checked out.

"Then how would you like a job?" James said. "Since Remnant is a dangerous world for those who are unaccustomed to its ways."

James knew that Kirito was sharp and he would realise what James was implying.

"A job?" Kirito said. "You mean you're giving a 16-year old, underage, world hopper an actual paying job?"

Kirito grinned.

James nodded.

"In this world there exists children younger than you, yet stronger than me," James said. "Two years won't matter in the long run."

"You know, I wasn't expecting someone as uptight as you to be so casual about breaking the law," Kirito said, "And that quote was from Naruto."

"We do what we must to combat the forces that seek to return humanity to Dust," James said. "And I don't even know what a Naruto is."

Kirito stared at James. Something resembling pity shone in his black eyes.

"You poor, poor, soul..." Kirito whispered, horrified.

"Anyway, as long as it's not paperwork," Kirito said. "Then I'm sold."

"Then consider yourself under probation, Specialist Kirito."

«Sir Kirito»

As you have probably noticed by now, I'm a conservative author who puts focus on dialogue and character interactions rather than exposition and purple prose. This is why word count is short.

On another note, my choice for the story title really makes sense right? XD

Author's Meta Notes:

Well played, Kirito. Well played, Ironwood.

Astute readers will realize what the conversation actually is beyond the text. I mean seriously, there's a lot of scheming and half-lies if you look.

 _Meta Explanation: (Spoiler Alert! Do not read if you want to analyse the text for yourself! Seriously...)_

 _And before you ask why Kirito told Ironwood an abridged version of everything instead of, I dunno, lying? Well, Kirito has absolutely zero reason to create a bull backstory. Oh, but *insert cliche reason here*. Kirito realises that showing his hand (i.e. wrecking a horde of Grimm in a fit of grief and rage) placed him on the radar of some very influential and powerful people. And Kirito knows that he doesn't even have a single ID or a record in Remnant, so he manipulates Ironwood into offering him a carrot. It's better than a stick, at least. For now._

 _Ironwood also acknowledges that Kirito is strong. Like really strong. And knowing that the Ozluminati's enemies (e.g. Salem, Cinder, White Fang, etc.) are on the move, he seeks to better their odds of winning. And he doesn't really buy the whole alternate reality thing. Not entirely, at least. So instead of throwing Kirito in a jail cell and/or a psychiatric ward, he places Kirito, the so-called Sword Saint, under his and by proxy, the Ozluminati's command. Under probation, indeed. Ever heard of the phrase, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" Exactly like that._

 _It's like a convoluted game of chess where everybody wins. Sort of. Maybe._

End of Meta Explanation.

Trivia #1: Huh... Technically, Asuna, Yui, Sachi, and Klein did make an appearance. Yey, I guess?

Trivia #2: Kirito was really lucky with his choice of words there. Almost as if he planned the fairy tale thing... Not really. See episode 1 of SAOA.

Trivia #3: Abridged!Kirito finds tentacle porn horrifying. Wonder how he'll react to the most controversial scene in the entire SAO series (aka That Awkward Rape Scene).

Trivia #4: New world. New movies, new anime, etc. Need I say more? Grimmzilla is real according to Ruby in chapter 1

Looking forward to how SWE writes THAT SCENE and the Suguha/Leafa arc.

«Sir Kirito»

Omake

«Sir Kirito»

"Copy that, Specialist Schnee."

Winter leapt out of the Bullhead and drew Frostbite. If she angled herself right, she could land directly in front of the man and save him from his impending doom.

A glyph flashed into existence. Winter angled her legs to slam into the glyph, right before a Nevermore smashed it.

"Ahhhhh!" Winter screamed.

The man stood up. "Okay, geez fine. I'm getting up... No need to scream at me, Asuna."

"Oomph!"

Kirito groaned as Winter crashed into him. She was sprawled out on top of him, her thighs pressed into his crotch.

He felt warm. Not the hot and bothered warm, but the I'm-gonna-die warm.

Why does this situation seem scarily familiar?

Kirito flexed his hand and fondled something, firm, round, and soft.

 _Oh shit..._

«Sir Kirito»

Oh, poor Kirito! At least all the ladies are literally falling for you. Fine, no need to get Yang-ry... I am a pun-ny guy...

See ya,

Eren.

Edited on June 3, 2019. Yey!


	5. Chapter 5

**_There's a scream somewhere. There you are, EREN! I've been waiting for you to update this!_**

A Glimpse Into The Past II

«Sir Kirito»

When she woke up, it was to the sounds of battle - jarring to the ears of someone who had been asleep for long. Asuna sprung upwards from the warmth of the bed. She barely had a few seconds to assess the room - wooden walls, a cabinet, and a fancy oil lamp - when the door slammed open.

Didn't they know that it was rude to disturb a girl's beauty sleep? _Ughh..._

Asuna's would-be disturber was a short blonde-haired woman. Her panicked blue eyes darted around the room before they landed on Asuna. She sighed in relief and closed the door.

"So..." Asuna said. "Not gonna say good morning, are you? Just going to disturb a girl's beauty sleep just like that, huh..."

Now that she mentioned it, Asuna remembered that she died in the last battle against Kayaba's arse. How was she alive again? This wasn't Inception. A horrifying thought of great importance occurred to Asuna - where was Lambent Light? She needed a weapon to stab people with. Her sword hand thirsted for the blood of the beauty sleep disturbers - terrible handlers who woke her up five in the morning for the sake of noble pursuits.

"You're awake?" the short girl said. "Quick! I have to get you out of here!"

Asuna nodded. "Yeah. No. Why should I leave this wonderful bed, where it's warm, where it's safe..."

The girl didn't listen - she grabbed Asuna's hand and yanked her out of the bed. Asuna screamed in shock - the midget was dragging her through the red carpet with one hand. The fibers of the carpet clung to her white dress and tickled her backside. For someone who looked like a pre-pubescent teen, the girl sure had a _lot_ of arm strength.

"Uh, hey," Asuna said. "Do you lift?"

The girl blushed. "My name is Lavender Arc. A pleasure to meet you..."

Asuna looked at her as if she was stupid. "You do realize that you're cleaning the carpet with my ass while politely asking for my name, right?"

"Oh!" Lavender said as she stopped running. "I'm sorry! But you didn't want to get up and those White Fang guys are attacking and dad told me to get you somewhere safe -"

Asuna sighed as she stood up, dusting off the white dress that she was wearing. It wasn't any of hers. Also, it felt too textured and warm to be an artificial construct simulated by SAO's cardinal system. She looked at the winded girl - Lavender, by her introduction. Asuna smiled and channeled every little bit of the noble pursuits that she had learned.

"Asuna Yuuki," said Asuna, "proud commander of the Knights of the Blood Oath - or what's left of it anyway..."

Asuna wasn't sure if Aincrad's last raiding party survived that fight with Kayaba. But knowing Kirito, they probably did. Then again, knowing how microcephallic everyone was relative to him, it was equally likely that they had lost.

Lavender smiled and then gestured for Asuna to follow her. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Asuna. But we have to get to the armory. It's the safest place that I know in the Arc Manse."

"Ah sure..." Asuna muttered. "Give the sore patient a sword and toss her at this White Fang or something... I'm sure she'll be fine."

Lavender led her through the winding corridors of the Arc Manse. The clanging of steel behind them grew fainter the further they ran. Whoever the Arcs were, they were loaded. Antediluvian antiques lined the halls along with stalwart bronze statues of knights and horses. On the walls, were paintings that depicted men and women - all possessing blonde hair and blue eyes. Seriously, they all looked the same save for minute facial expressions and choice in clothing. It must have been weird to be an Arc.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Maybe... I think it was that hallway to the right. Then again it could also be the left..."

"Don't tell me we're lost."

"Don't worry, Miss Asuna. Lavender Arc never gets lost!"

"Really?"

" _Dattebayo_!"

"You stole that one from Naruto."

Asuna took a deep, soulful breath as Lavender paused by a fork in the carpeted hallway. She lifted the potted plant sitting by the wall. Odd. It was the only plant that she had ever seen since they started their mad sprint through the hallways.

Gears clicked, unseen, as the wall slid open and revealed a huge room. The room had stone walls and bright lights on its ceiling. A plethora of swords, spears, and other esoteric weapons were displayed on the sides. The weapons looked strange though - they all looked as if they were ripped off from a bad, futuristic sci-fi series.

The wall slid shut as Asuna started looking for Lambent Light. Obviously, it must have been here somewhere. She needed something to stab people. One weapon stood out to her - but it wasn't Lambent Light. There was also a sword that apparently transformed into a coffee mug, but Asuna didn't know what madman would invent such a weapon.

She removed the rapier from the dais where it was placed. "Hey, Lavender. What do you call this one?"

The rapier in her hands was lying inside a red sheathe - exactly like the one Lambent Light had. The blade was different though, as it had a wavy crossguard that ended in a soft curve just above her fingers on the hilt. Examining the grip, Asuna saw a tiny button nested at the joint where the crossguard and the hilt met.

Lavender crouched down and read the dais. "That's - Here lies Cadenza, Crystal Arc's noble rapier. The weapon that, combined with her prodigious skill, slew a hundred grimm in defense of the Arc Manse, before she-"

Lavender choked and stopped reading the text for a brief second.

"Before she succumbed to grievous injuries. Her memory lives on in Cadenza's ever-keen blade."

Asuna frowned and held Cadenza by her side. "Hey, what's wrong, kid? Don't go all teary-eyed on me now. I'm not good with crying children - come to think of it, Yui wasn't really the type to cry..."

Lavender sniffled, producing a small handkerchief and blowing softly into it. She was still crouched on the stone floor, seemingly fixated on the dais.

"That weapon you're holding," Lavender said. "It was my mother's sword."

Asuna glanced at the sheathed Cadenza. Somehow, the sheathed rapier became heavier than it used to weigh. Asuna placed a hand on Lavender's shoulder and slowly rubbed the thin appendage, applying as little force as possible. Come on, what was she now - a _mom_? She wasn't good with children, damn it. Where was Kirito, anway? Between the two of them, he was the one who was good with the kids. But now, Asuna wasn't even certain if Kirito was also here - wherever here was.

Lavender stood up. "We need to move on. You can have Cadenza for now, Miss Asuna. Just don't -"

A series of raps on the wall - the one that they had entered from, interrupted Lavender's speech.

"Oi! Open up, missies! We know you're behind this wall."

Asuna scoffed, tossing Cadenza into the air and catching it in a reverse grip. "So much for hiding out in the quote unquote safest place, huh?"

The blade was perfectly balanced. If she didn't favor Lambent Light, she'd say that Cadenza was even better than her old weapon. Somehow, the blade carried a weight - a presence. Lambent Light felt like a feather by comparison.

Lavender frantically shook her head, grabbing Asuna's hand - the one without Cadenza in it. "But you can't, Miss Asuna. You've been comatose for nearly a day and -"

Asuna smiled, glancing at Lavender's worried blue eyes. "Oh shut up, kiddo. I'll be fine - what are a couple of these White Fang goons compared to the Silver Flash, anyway?"

Lavender gasped. "Miss Asuna - you're a huntress?"

Asuna quirked an eyebrow at the strange term. "Eh? Sort of. I've hunted beasts before. None of them ever survived since they all ended up in the same place - my kitchen."

"You cook the grimm?" Lavender said. "I thought they tasted icky."

The raps increased in tempo. Whoever was on the other side was growing impatient. Smirking, Asuna drew Cadenza from its sheathe. Tasty beasts weren't the only things that she knew how to stab.

«Sir Kirito»

Okay... So... Don't get mad because I disappeared for almost two years? Just to be clear, I'm still welcome here, right? _dodges a lot of flames with kawarimi_

So anyways, welcome to the first update to Sir Kirito in two years. I'm going to retain the chill, short-chapter pacing and tone of the story. But seeing as I now have a plot in mind expect some chapters to be quite serious. As of its recent reincarnation, Sir Kirito is now part of the Great Outrealms Continuity - a continuity spanning several books of mine. It means that these stories are set in the same _universe_ , so expect some overlaps to occur in some stories, most especially between Sir Kirito, The Way Back Home, and The Heroes of Tomorrow (Unpublished). This is clearly not a retcon, since I've been writing The Heroes of Tomorrow at the same time as Sir Kirito.

Read and review? Eren out. _Grins_

«Sir Kirito»

Replies to reviews:

Fuck. I messed up on this one since I can't possible reply to 50 reviews in one sitting. So I'll say it here: thanks for reading this and sticking around despite its super long hiatus. If you have questions, I'll answer via PM some time.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 1: For Real, This Time

«Sir Kirito»

"Life went on after Atlas. I got a job - which I still can't believe I have two of, and my own cute little apprentice. Take that, Suguha. Who's a useless shut-in now? And, predictably - Snowflake's mad. But what else can a bored alien do?

"Qrow's dusty ass showed up. He dumped a girl on the Ozluminati and bailed. Would have called him out on being an irresponsible drunk, but then again, he's like a bird. Craps on your head and flies away.

"And that's not mentioning his theme song. I mean, _Bad Luck Charm_? Shit's edgy. Too edgy considering that the worst bad luck I got from him is almost getting an STD from that tavern girl.

"Ah, the joys of not being a virgin. Well, does it count if we did the sex thing in Aincrad?

"But you know, ever since I got Dorothy'd into this world -"

Kirito's legs dangled over the grand city of Vale. Bright lights and colorful smoke lit up the bastion of humanity, as the broken moon hung in the night sky. If he stood up and extended his hand, Kirito could have touched the flighty, grey-stained clouds. Instead, he stared down the forty-foot drop, eyes absent-mindedly tracing the busy, seven-o'clock traffic.

"Life's been good, surprisingly. Even if I still can't shake the feeling that this world is _faaaaaaa_ -"

 _~Somebody once told me_

 _The world is gonna roll me~_

The scroll tucked in his pajamas vibrated, blaring a certain song that he wouldn't name. A saccharin-laden, girlish voice spoke through its built-in speakers.

"Oh my god. You were narrating. You were totally _narrating_."

Kirito's eyes twitched. " _Yui_... I thought you were asleep. I mean, it is way past your bedtime."

"And I was sleeping," Yui said. "But then I heard a certain someone doing a lame Spiderman monologue - and I couldn't stop myself from listening in."

Kirito can _hear_ Yui's devilish smirk. But at least the song stopped. Thank god.

"Is he going to swing into the night and save Vale from the wicked Assman? Or perhaps the Butt Goblin? Or maybe..."

Kirito dropped from the ledge, managing to place a firm grip on the windowsill. He slipped inside the apartment. Kirito blinked, his eyes adjusting to the shift in brightness.

"Or maybe he's going to spout some cliche nonsense. With great power comes great responsibility, amirite?"

Kirito's head drooped.

"Please shut up. I will seriously press that uninstall button if you don't behave."

Yui giggled. "You won't. You love me too much, _papa_."

He pulled open the fridge. Inside were trays of eggs, boxes upon boxes of ice cream, a jar of half-eaten sandwiches, and cans of sugary vice. Kirito's hand hovered over the beer. Thin droplets of water condensed on the cans, the warmth of his apartment seeping into the bunker-fridge.

Kirito blinked as if he was solving a doctorate-level calculus problem. "Should I?"

"You shouldn't," Yui said. "You promised."

Yeah. He did.

Kirito chuckled and snatched a can. "It's a Friday night, Yui. It's a Friday night."

"But you said that-"

Kirito sank into the couch, sighing in bliss as the velvety brown accommodated his weight. He reached for his scroll, holding it out so it's screen faced him. Yui's indignant face blinked into the glass. He chuckled as it morphed into one of joy.

"Relax. It's just a can of root beer. Which is, you know, not as awesome as beer. But, whatever. Qrow could bite my ear off."

Yui nodded, eyes closing in agreement. "That drunkard's a bad influence on you, papa. Are you sure you made the right choice? Joining Ozpin and all."

The can hissed.

"It's not. It's really not. There _is_ no Ozpin."

Yui's eyebrows rose past her hairline. "What do you mean?"

Kirito sighed, taking a long sip from his frothing can of caramel and sugar. "It's just a suspicion. And I was about to say it before a certain someone interrupted my super amazing heroic monologue-"

Yui grinned. "Like this?"

"Screw you," Kirito said. "Anyways, I suspect that we're in a cheap Matrix rip-off, Yui.

"It's so bad that every one of the characters in it are one-dimensional, inconsistent bits of data that basically adhere to everything on TVtropes and what SJW's think strong independent women and racial discrimination should be.

"What I'm saying is - I think that we're living in a simulation running at one percent capacity."

A pause. A sweatdrop formed on Yui's digital sprite.

"While I have utmost faith in your... non-microcephalic analytical skills," said Yui, "I think you're just being overly dramatic. Again."

Kirito smirked. "Nope. We've been stuck inside a Matrix fanfiction for two years, Yui. And I think we're the only ones real."

"Hell - Weiss did everything to a _tee_. As if she's an NPC programmed to be a classic tsundere rich girl with daddy issues-"

"So? How does that prove your theory, _Mr. Batman_?"

"I was getting there! You think I'm training her because she spilled some popcorn? Don't kid yourself."

Yui nodded sagely. "Of course you're not. I thought because you've been feeling lonely without mom and because you've been doing certain _activities_ in your room-"

"Gah!" Kirito said, splashing the rest of the root beer into his mouth. "I love Asuna. Why must you ship me with every random girl that I happen to come across?"

Yui smiled serenely. "And I know that you're unspeakably loyal to mom. It's just - isn't it about time that you moved on?"

Kirito hurled the can through the window. A cat howled, accompanied by the sound of a car smashing into what seemed to be a fence.

"I'm getting a beer," Kirito said. "A real one. This is too troublesome."

He strode towards the fridge, holding the scroll in his periphery.

Yui waved her hands frantically. "No, wait. You haven't finished explaining your Matrix theory. So tell me about it?"

Kirito stopped walking. He looked at Yui. At the last living memory of Asuna - the child who they never wanted, but they grew to love. Lambent Light was on the dinner table, discarded along with Elucidator and Dark Repulser. With great power, came great _bullshit_. Whoever said that happy endings were rewarded to heroes deserved to be shot.

Kirito would fire the bullet himself. He just needed one of those fake, impractical gun swords. Maybe some Final Fantasy 8 references while he was at it.

As for now -

Kirito's back hit the sofa. "Alright, fine. I won't touch a can of beer with a ten-foot pole. Happy?"

Tonight, at least. Who knew that drinking beer with an angsty NPC was fun? He just needed to leave his scroll behind whenever a dusty old crow called.

"I'm very happy, papa," Yui said. "At least this time, you won't parade around the streets, wearing nothing but your underwear and hollering about the Kirito Is Always Right Foundation-"

Kirito's ears turned pink-red. "We promised to never talk about that, Yui dear. So if you would please shut up and let me explain, it would be greatly appreciated."

Yui nodded. Clearly, the little lady was indulging him. "Okay, let's see what _Mr. Detective Kirito_ has gathered for evidence."

Kirito rubbed his chin, staring at the bright chandelier. "What evidence? I don't need no evidence."

"So you admit you're just being overly dramatic?"

" _Maaaaaybeeeee~_ "

"And you may or may not have romantic feelings for a certain _Weiss Schnee_?"

"... Her sister may or may not digitally castrate me."

"What about that Ruby girl then?"

"I'm not into jailbait."

"Oh? You never told me that you were into _big_ sisters. Then again, I always knew that mom was lacking in... _certain_ parts of her anatomy."

"I'm not encouraging your behavior with a response, little lady."

Kirito stood up and grabbed his black coat. He shrugged off his pajamas and slipped on a pair of black pants. The coat fit his form snugly. The three swords from the dinner table followed, Elucidator and Dark Repulser forming an x-shape on his upper back and Lambent Light making a horizontal line just above his hips. The powers of magnets and anime were truly blessings beyond compare. Kirito placed Yui inside his breast pocket, the scroll a warm presence inside his coat.

"How about we get some evidence? I know a place that sells it for cheap. Might grab some dinner while we're at it."

"Yes, of course, papa. After all, it's definitely much better to show the readers rather than to tell them."

"The what?"

"The readers. You told me we're in a Matrix fanfiction, therefore we must have some readers following your grand and _oh so important_ quest. You're not _that_ boring and cliche, are you?"

Kirito sighed, jumping out of the window. He needed to calibrate her language recognition functions. Memories about a simile and a metaphor popped into his brain. "Now, now - it was just an analogy, Yui. And I think you know this."

He landed deftly on the sidewalk. A nearby cat mewled and ran away. There was a smoking car embedded into the chain fence bounding his apartment. Staring at it for approximately five seconds, Kirito shrugged and began to walk towards the transport terminal. Flights were up until nine, so if he walked fast he could reach Beacon.

«Sir Kirito»

Your annual dose of Sir Kirito. This is going somewhere. I _swear_.

As a homage to old, less serious times, here's a trivia: I never expected a crack-fic with a jury-rigged plot to break the 50-follower mark. Guess I was mistaken. In this case, I'm happy to be wrong.

Anyways, Eren out. Read and review, boys and girls. Expect this story to be completed by 2025. Add or subtract ten or so years.


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